A Concise Guide to Social Networking Etiquette

This post is likely to ruffle a few feathers, but I’ve got a cold and this Codeine cough syrup has loosened my tongue.

With nearly the entire American population now signed up with Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, and the like, it’s nearly impossible to escape these establishments’ influence on our everyday social lives.  But, just as there are rules one instinctively follows in face-to-face conversation, there are also some practical guidelines for maintaining one’s dignity on the internet.  I’ve consulted my trusty volume of Etiquette by Emily Post, 1922, for support.

Now, most of these rules I’m about to outline would be inapplicable if applied to encounters with close friends or family.  But, sifting through my own Facebook “friends,” I find not only close friends and family, but also that dude that I met at that party six years ago and never saw again, former junior high teachers, so-and-so’s brother, my ex’s mom, and several complete strangers.  When posting things on the internet, always, always consider your audience!

SPELLING AND GRAMMAR

The most important rule of all, in my opinion, is this: remember that the way you write, spell and punctuate is, as Emily Post puts it, “The X-Ray of Quality.”  Our computers are all equipped by now with tools that automatically spell-check your typing – there’s no excuse for neglecting them.  I also advise you all to carefully consider the merits and draw-backs of the use of “chat-speak.”  One extreme example that I have to offer is this:  a middle-aged man of my acquaintance had used his Facebook to plan a dinner with a friend.  Mind you, this has all been posted on his “wall,” for God and everyone to see.  She had to decline because of a cold.  He responded with, “Sorry 2 hear that girlfriend 😥  Take care of urself and we can hookup wen ur feelin better.  Thx 4 letn me no.  XOXO, ***** <3<3”

Now, as a staunch classicist and an ardent worshiper of proper English, this sort of thing makes me want to vomit.  This 40-something man has effectively reduced himself in my eyes to the intellectual level of a 13-year-old.  I will concede, however, that the advent of “chat-speak” is inevitable, and that it’s not going to go away – God help us, there’s even an appendix in my 11th edition Oxford devoted to the stuff.  But why?  I don’t understand – call me a Luddite, but was there anything wrong with the language to begin with?  Does it really need to be embellished and bastardized with “C U L8R’s,” “ROFL’s,” and “emoticons?”  Have a some respect for your native tongue, or at least use a little moderation!

THE OVERSHARE

“It is very bad form to talk freely to acquaintances, or worse yet strangers, about your private concerns…Talk about things which you think will be agreeable to your hearer.  Don’t dilate on ills, misfortunes, or other unpleasantnesses,” says Mrs. Post.  So, should you ever be tempted to post something like “That bitch cheated on me and I hope she dies,” or “If my tender, bleeding heart were any more shattered right now, I’d throw myself off of a bridge,” or, more commonly, to make the selection of “It’s Complicated” (this one always makes me shudder) as a relationship status, please reconsider!  Actually, I might not put anything in the relationship status field at all, unless it’s damn sure to last.  Heaven knows, your internet friends probably don’t need to know how many times you and so-and-so have broken up and gotten back together this week.  So, general rule of thumb: don’t smear Facebook with your emotional feces.  Save the angst for your real friends and family.

Also falling under the category of the overshare is the over-zealous status updater.  Hourly updates with trifles such as, “Dinner’s ready,” “Just got my car washed,” or “I just took a big dump” are probably not going to arrest the attention of the social platform.  And, these new-fangled applications that allow you to “check in” in different locations seem ridiculous to me.  It’s not just that you’re willingly making yourself a target for advertisements and stalkers…what really kills me is the presumption that the rest of the internet actually cares where I may or may not be.  They don’t!  Sure, use the application if you want to, but there’s no need to post it all over your wall.

So, as Mrs. Post says, “Think before you speak.”

SPAMMING

I understand that some people have a few thousand friends, and that it may take forever to sift through all of them.  But when sending out an invitation to an event or page, I think it’s just polite to go ahead and take the time to do it.  You don’t need to be inviting that girl you met on the subway on vacation three years ago in New York to your event here in Texas.  She obviously won’t be coming.  It may take you a few minutes to personalize your potential guest list, but I think that’s much more considerate than expecting 400 perfect strangers, who you knew couldn’t come in the first place, to take the time decline it.  The same goes for your personal “pages.”  If you don’t know the people you’re sending the invite out to, then it’s spam.

Now, I certainly won’t pretend never to have violated my own rules.  I know for a fact that I’ve made some pretty severe gaffes in my history of internet use.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t aspire to improve my habits.  And if you think I’m in the wrong, then go right ahead and do so – it’s all just a matter of opinion.  After all, I’m the first to admit that I’m a bit of a neurotic.

In other news, I’m now sleeping in my own bed and I’ve just started Mark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court.